Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife