Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
🤣😈🤣
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.