Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion