Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

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*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind



THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable


*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*


*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl*
“Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla”


Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin


ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous


dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.


I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.