Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.