Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did