Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
SCARY COSTUME
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Y’all know who you are.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
yikes
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby