Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
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*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby