Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

#ParentingFacts

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.