Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
You Might Also Like
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.