Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
she has a point
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Fries, not lies.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5