Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

🐿️

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.