Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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2.
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5.awesome
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.