Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.