Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie