Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00