Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Tony Hawk, age 6

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem