Maybe the philharmonic isnât so bad after all đ¤
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ME: You wouldnât believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: Thatâs dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! Itâs really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
âOK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.â
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and heâs halfway to Canada.
Iâm sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
shakira sharkira
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
If you look in the mirror & say âpumpkin spice latteâ 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My toddler does this thing when heâs angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldnât open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didnât kick her in the crotch.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my âWhy I Taught Bears To Use Swordsâ memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles awayâŚ
âIâm disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.â
-Marilyn Monroe
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?âŚ
H: Want to go to Loweâs with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: Iâd rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Please donât ask me to repeat myself I wasnât listening either
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: Ok Iâm trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: Iâm gonna stay home.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Breaking news:
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with âyeah, that makes total senseâ is super duper easy
Itâs like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me myâŚ
*Husband brings entire purse*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldnât throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.