Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
This will teach them to underestimate me
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
