Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”