Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

me 2 months after i graduated