Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.