Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Strange
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
This is Sparta
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.