Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”