Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
You Might Also Like
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
🍂🕷️🍂
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”