@jazmasta

Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

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@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

@WarrenHolstein

Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

@UncleDuke1969

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

@krisv_723

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

@SilverKick

Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.

@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@murrman5

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*