Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.


Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.


No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.


When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.


Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.


Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.


Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.


[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*