Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
You Might Also Like
[loses house key, starts a new life]
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant