Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
When you put it that way… 😂
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.