Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile in Canada…

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.