Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
You can’t rush stupid.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine