Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Des Moines Police having a normal one
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
bro what is going on at twitter
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
tourist season
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.