Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*