Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or