Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Stop sending me this shit.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
at ease…shoulder.