Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.