Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.