Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign