Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Well, shit

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.