Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
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“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.