Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Truly one of the great bangers
