“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
hackers play passwordle
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant