Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Come back with a warrant

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner