Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Bartenders are just boneless bars

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.