Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

I have two kinds of followers

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*