@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

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@MikeBigby

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

@thedad

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

@TravLeBlanc

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

@trustedshoe

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

@blonde_opinion

I was asked to pose nude for an art class; it was a ceramics class, and they were making ashtrays, but it’s whatever.

@MarfSalvador

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake