Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
what the signs deserve in 2019:
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople
Not now brain…
…this is a job for stupidity.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I now have 8 apps to communicate with the same people.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!