Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

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*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.


Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?


When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.


Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit


The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.


My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.


I was asked to pose nude for an art class; it was a ceramics class, and they were making ashtrays, but it’s whatever.


[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then


Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake