Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Those are good neighbors.
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If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?