Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.