Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
cry laughing at this shit
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.