Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
consequences, the bane of my existence
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon