Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.