team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You Might Also Like
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.