Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”