maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
groan^2
