maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.