maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
You Might Also Like
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
The old gods are rising again.
Word!
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.