maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Would you wear it?
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail