maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
this is how life feels
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
