maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
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CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together