Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

This is a sub tweet

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge