Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
no one ever comes back
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass