Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family