Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen