Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES