Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..