Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
You Might Also Like
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
me linking you to my twitter
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?