Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Always 🥴
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.