Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
You Might Also Like
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.