Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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Guilty! 🤪
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
And now we wait
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help