Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.