Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🍂🕷️🍂

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

The news is so predictable nowadays

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles