Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
(True)
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
look scared
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok