Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Expect the unexporcupine.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.