Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

opening twitter today

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”