Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

My guardian angel deserves a raise