Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Good morning

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”