Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…