Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

Creative Problem Solving

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible