Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.