Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead