Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Okey dokey.
![]()
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
become ungovernable
![]()
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.