Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Best mom ever 😂
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
When he asks for feet pics
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.