Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?